Insomnia and the thoughts in my head

So unfortunately after a day of work and already feeling tired from the lack of sleep, my sleeping pill did not help. So here I am awake and exhausted at 4:11 am.

Things that go through my mind are how much I miss the rain and the smell of it too. How one day I hope that Stephen will fully commit to me with vows. I am lost in my head and have persistent hick-ups too. They jolt my body in an uncomfortable way.

I sit here at the computer trying to release my thoughts but they seem so difficult to pull out. Most likely from the lack of rest over the past 8 months.

However, I did get in a 15 minute nap and had the strangest dream. I was driving and I was going to head on run into a cement wall, but before the car made the crunching contact I startled myself with a jump. Then the second nap dream was regarding a man in a wheel chair stuck on the 2.5 floor level. Me being completely perplexed at how he even got there because my home is a 3 story house and there are only stairs. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied "well I'm never do that again" and then I woke up.

What do these dreams mean? what was in my subconscious to create these oddities?

The Beginning

So it all started with a balance problem in October of 2008. Wasn't sure what to make of it other than I needed something to lean against so I didn't fall down. What seemed so minor got worse, . . . eventually I started feeling more sick. It ultimately resulted in a supposed diagnosis from the emergency room at the hospital, my regular doctor and a free clinic that I had "double inner ear infections". Symptoms were imbalance, severe vertigo, loss of hearing in left ear, tinnitus in right ear, whole left side of face numb, loss of appetite, and extreme fatigue. This lasted for about 2.5 months into the new year 2009 and then went away.

The next symptoms that occurred began in early May, it began with numbness in my left foot. . . . . slowly it worked its way up to my left shin and calve, then thigh, then left arm and hand. It was a strange sensation of numbness, not pins and needles as if the whole left side of my body had fallen asleep; I could feel pressure but my reflexes were non-responsive and my whole left side was weak.

So my doctor referred me to a neurologist. I'm not sure how to even start such a shocking topic, . . . . but I was diagnosed on June 10th, 2009 with Multiple Sclerosis. It is a life long disease and there is no cure. I will have to partake in treatment for the rest of my life. It's just so strange when your doctor refers you to a neurologist, and your neurologist opens with "Your spinal cord is in good condition, . . . however we found an abundance of plaque in your brain MRI". Plaque is scarring in the brain from MS relapses, aka the abundance of symptoms that I have experienced. So now I have been referred to another doctor, but this guy should help me the most. Not just give me the run around b/c he doesn't know whats wrong with me like so many of the other doctors.

My diagnosis was determined due to the 6 MRI's i had done and the impressive list of blood work that my neurologist asked of me to do. I was in the MRI tube for 2.5 hours, and if you've never had one and you are uncomfortable in small spaces, . . . you wouldn't like it.

All in all though there is always an upside to the downside of things. I finally got an answer for what has been wrong with me for what feels like forever, and I have to just accept the things I can not change. One day at a time.

The Story of US

She sat down in the third row from the front of class anticipating what this course would entail for the term. As students trickled into the classroom finding their seats, a young man named sat next to her. In the beginning they didn’t speak to each other much, but every class she made an effort to sit next to him. She felt a connection and was strongly attracted to him. They started to converse about the ridiculousness of coming to class and how she had apparently consumed 2 to 3 beers prior to class. This being a sort of ice breaker, they began to talk to each other more and more throughout the term. Eventually she exchanged phone numbers with him in hopes that they could continue their newly formed friendship. It seemed that she was currently in a relationship but had, according to him, failed to mention anything about it. It was a relationship that didn’t make her happy, but hadn’t acknowledged her unhappiness due to high hopes that it would get better. However, she would come to learn that it wouldn’t years later, and she would have to be the one to end things.

Whenever she had to go to class she would feel slightly nervous yet excited because she hadn’t felt this way in long time. She knew that she felt something, but wrote it off as just good chemistry with a new found friend. They would sometimes run into each other on their way to or from school and she would nervously make small talk. Not being able to read men’s emotions very well, she always assumed that he thought the worst of her and didn’t really know what to do. She was confused about the feelings she was having. When the term ended they tentatively made plans to make sure and hang out with each other, but it seemed that they both became wrapped up in their busy lives of work and school and weren’t ever able to really get together. Every once in awhile she would think of him and call him in hopes that he would be free to get together. However, each time it just didn’t work out and this made her feel sort of relieved but disappointed too. She felt that hanging out with him while still being in her relationship would be wrong because of how she felt around him.

As her current relationship slowly deteriorated, her heart began to wander. She was looking for that passionate love she so longed for. Hoping to still find it in her boyfriend she put aside her plans for art school and her passion to travel to maintain the level of comfort they had attained. However, that was just it, they he had become too comfortable. Just like her long term relationship before him, he believed that she would always be there and that one day he would marry her. Her feelings being the complete opposite of his, she started to see that it would have to come to an end.

Anxiously letting those thoughts stew in her heart and mind she lost her appetite and began to drink heavily. She couldn’t sleep and would stay up all hours of the night crying in an inebriated state. She was so afraid of hurting him. She was so afraid of leaving her comfort zone. She still cared for him but wasn’t in love with him. The thought that she was to blame for all their downfalls ate away at her and she lost herself in her depression. Her heart had lost hope again, and she felt as if she would never find that one person that she was truly supposed to be with for the rest of her life. Everyday was a battle in her head. She fought the imposing concept of ending her life, and sometimes sat with pills or a sharp object anticipating what would happen if she took that next step. She wanted to hurt herself to stop the hurt she felt in her heart. She was sucked into a black hole of confusion and sadness.

Then unexpectedly the boy she had met so long ago at school came back into her life. It was startling because they quickly were spending most of their time together. They talked, laughed and drank; it helped her fade all the unpleasant memories into the background. He made her smile even when her heart was broken. He became the one friend that she could lean on and she saw that he was a good person.

Confused by thoughts of wanting to be with him so soon after a 4 year relationship, she tried to stay away from that road leading to a long term relationship. She was too familiar with that road and it only led her to hurt people and hurt herself. So when he so politely asked to kiss her one night, she politely responded no. She thought that maybe he just wanted to get laid, and that was definitely not what she needed. But as much as she thought she was trying to steer clear of her feelings toward him she didn’t realize, until later, that she was around him every chance she could get. She truly took pleasure in even the simplest touch of his hand. He made her feel a way that no one had ever made her feel. When he went back home to California for his birthday, she suddenly felt lonely and really missed his presence in her day. Soon she realized that she was in love for the first time, and it truly scared her. When he came back from his trip, she immediately jumped at the chance to see him, and when they had their first kiss it was perfect. Bumping teeth and all. They continued to kiss and sleep next to each other. Her heart would beat faster when she was around him and she didn’t want to make the same mistakes she had made in previous situations. She wanted to feel the situation out first before taking things to the next level.

Fearful that he would not feel that same way, she continued to be intimate friends with him. Although her heart could not contain the overwhelming feelings she had for him and so very passively told him one night that she loved him. Soon realizing what she had done, she became nervous and scared because she had been down the serious relationship road two times before and it only left her jaded and broken. They had left her with the belief that marriage and children were not for her, and that finding ones true love didn’t exist for her. But everyday she spent with Stephen her heart grew warmer, her smile bigger, and her laugh louder. She’d never felt this way before. She’d never been so in love. It was all new to her. When he returned her feelings she was shocked and surprised that he felt that way. She had always felt that she was undeserving of a happy life. He didn’t understand why she felt this way, and so continued to show her that she was beautiful outside and in.

On her birthday, she decided that she wanted to do something for herself as well as with him. He had never been to the Oregon coast and so planned a camping trip for the two of them. So they packed the car up and started their weekend journey. They first tried to get a camping spot at Oswald West Campground, but unfortunately it was full. So they took the opportunity to walk down to the coast and just be in the moment of the beach. Feel the sand on their feet, the wind on their face, the smell of the ocean and the sound of the seagulls. It was just what both of them needed, time away from the city and the people in the city. In hopes that they would be able to later find a place to stay for the night, they she decided that it would be fun to go to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, the Blue Heron French Cheese Factory and the Nehalem Bay Winery. After they had their fill of touring Oregon coast recreation they continued down the road to see if there were any camping spots at Nehalem Bay State Park campground. Luckily there was a handicapped spot available just for the one night. It was wedged between a yurt and another camping spot. It was small, but they didn’t need much. So they set up camp and decided to have a wonderfully non-traditional camping dinner. This consisted of a loaf of French bread, a wedge of brie cheese, a 40 of PBR each, and veggie dogs. It was perfect! When they finally got the fire going they sat closely next to each other huddled close to the fire. They talked and laughed and kissed. Then they went into the tent and snuggled close to each other and fell asleep.

The next day they awoke to a beautiful day, they lay in the tent for hours kissing and touching each others skin. They listened to music together and napped together. They ate grapes and crackers then she decided that she wanted to take him to her favorite place on the Oregon coast. So they went to Manzanita. It was a beautiful day. The sun shined brightly on the ocean and soon enough they feel asleep. The warm sun beat down them as they lay there next to each other. When she woke up she lay there looking at this man that ever so suddenly became everything that she could ever want in a friend, in a lover, in a man.

As time past they became inseparable and best friends. They confided in each other, comforted each other and laughed together. They were beginning the adventure of their lives together.